Today was the burying of my brother's ashes. I felt prepared for the small service and arrived feeling somewhat ok. However, it all became a little surreal... is it wrong to say that I felt detached from the whole thing? I am not a religious person per se but I do believe that there is something there after death. I would guess you wold say I am spiritual.
As I stood listening to the words, all I could think was how much I missed him and how much I just wanted him to be there. However, I did not feel any emotional attachment to the box of ashes. It seemed so empty and I felt so empty.
The day he died, I remember the sun shining so brightly as I sat outside the hospital alone. It felt like it was him saying he was ok now. The day of his funeral there was bright sunshine, again it was like some communication. Today though, we had dull grey clouds, were standing in snow and then snow began towards the end of the service. I guess I felt disappointed, I looked for sunshine and found none.
It's all such a strange process, in the past I have lost Grandparents but this loss is something which I can't describe or explain. Every day it is getting a little easier, but I am scared he will be forgotten and I try everything to keep him with me.
Today was not a final goodbye, it was a formality. I have not said goodbye and never will, it's more a see you later.