Friday, 21 March 2014

'It'd be nice if you could pull me into town...'

This week has been (dare I say it) a relatively good week for me. After my temper tantrum Saturday and a relaxed Sunday I have been trying to focus on my calmness and the acceptance that each day may not be easy. I felt a lot of anxiety on Monday and sat writing down my 'anxieties' while I had breakfast which worked well - it was as if that helped me to 'let go'. Maybe now is the time I am ready to begin thinking more toward CBT? It's too early to say, all I can say is that I have had a number of happy moments this week and I have had drive.

I came across a few things on Pinterest which I have looked at in mornings to cheer me and which make me laugh. Now it has been years since I have watched Napoleon Dynamite but I cam across some movie stills and quotes which have just cheered me up no end today so I wanted to share them with you all and put a smile on your face!

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What has made you smile this week?



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Thursday, 20 March 2014

Time to be happy

I hope this is the beginning of my up phase, I think it's time I deserve to be happy again.



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Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I did not want to carry it with me anymore - finding a calmness.

My latest weekend was much improved to the previous. I had more drive and actually did things other than just sleep. However, I had anger, lots of anger. I was angry at my predicament, angry that I am not getting better fast enough and angry that some days I feel so far from 'myself' that I am not sure I will ever find 'her' again.

Sunday morning was another early phone call with Miss Australia. We discussed how we were getting along, now we were coping and what things were positive and good in our lives. Slowing down was quite a big part of the conversation. I know myself that I buzz about, doing anything and everything to keep busy when at work - or at least I used to. Now, I find myself lethargic all the time and craving so much sleep that it is beyond normal. But I still try and push myself, I still try to run around like a crazy woman who squeezes 48 hours into 24.


I have begun to realise that I can not do that right now. It is not fair to try and push my body to do that when it is screaming at me to SLOW DOWN. So I have decided to try and listen. Slowing down is not going to do harm after all. I decided that I need to let go of what I 'expect' and 'want' to be able to do, but listen to what I am able to do. Some things I need to let go. 

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Not just in my work life, but also in my personal life. There are things I don't want or even need. Clinging and fighting are just ways to make myself more tired and cause the ongoing battle with my depression even worse. Looking after myself should be my number one priority. As the week has gone past, I have felt somewhat lighter and I wouldn't exactly say happy, but a little calmer. Understanding what I can deal with, what I can't deal with and what I shouldn't have to deal with has settled me a little. 

This settled feeling is nice. It has been some time since I have felt remotely settled. The happiness can take its time, it will be there again soon (I hope) or at least some minor form. But for this week, I am happy with 'settled'. This could change in a flash, after all the way I feel is purely dictated from the moment I open my eyes of a morning. There is no control, just how I wake up sets the tone for the day.

But maybe if I can hold on to some of this calmness and realisation of my own limitations and boundaries I can start to find moments of happiness to start building a new 'me'. A less fragile 'me'. I can only try. 

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How do you find your 'calmness' in the middle of a storm?




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Friday, 14 March 2014

I almost had an 'I need a guy moment'.

I'm so pleased it's the weekend. Its been a long, long week! By the end I feel like I have accomplished quite a lot at work but the start is something I would like to forget. I was planning to visit my friend tonight but I just didn't have the energy. I felt like I was falling asleep on the way back home from work, let alone driving home later tonight. So a night in (as usual) is on the cards.

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I like having my nights in on my own. I have learnt to enjoy my own company as of lately. Going through what I am going through, I have had no option but to spend time alone. I am working to accept myself and acknowledge my small steps. I don't have to work on enjoying being alone, that is quite ok to me. I have always enjoyed time alone. I don't find it difficult. 

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Lately I have been feeling a little lonely some days. Like I want a relationship and I want to have the comfort of someone else even just to watch trashy tv shows with and snuggle on the sofa. I feel like this is a good sign. I am beginning to feel the urge to actually want to socialise. It can go as quick as it comes though and is replaced with crippling anxiety. Other times, I just wonder if I could actually trust a guy in my life right now. I haven't had that much luck in the past to prove otherwise. 

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Are you happy to see the end of this week?


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Thursday, 13 March 2014

Who do you wish you were?

I was in touch with Miss Australia last weekend. I met her while travelling America and I also visited her out in Australia where we travelled and had a fabulous time together. As of late, we have both been suffering from issues and she has been moving about Australia. We finally managed to speak to one another on the phone since Christmas.

Miss Australia is one of the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so honoured to call her not just my friend, my best friend. Miss Australia helped me start to discover a more spiritual and positive side to my personality. 


When I spoke to her she said, " You still sound exactly like the same Missy I know. Happy and positive. You taught me how to indulge myself and look after myself, that's something I won't ever forget." 

I was shocked to hear this because all I felt like saying was, " Noo!! It's not me, I'm not me anymore. I am an impostor and not happy." But I held back. Later I thought about it and realised that often, when people compliment me these days, I am so quick to shut it down. They are seeing me as I am and maybe they (and my therapist) are right. I am still here. I am making progress.

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My acceptance and understanding is so foggy right now that I can't see the person I want to be. Perhaps I am trying to be someone else so badly that I have lost control of my identity which other people still see. It's quite an interesting thought, and one which I will be bringing up with my therapist this weekend. What if I am just too far removed from myself now that I can't find myself when I am right here?


Do you think you get so down on yourself that others see something in you that you don't?


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